1 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:04,375 Merry Congratu-Christmas! 2 00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:05,814 What? Half "Merry Christmas," 3 00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:08,546 half"Congratulations," because I just received some news. 4 00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:11,622 You, Ron Swanson, have been nominated for an award 5 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,318 from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association. 6 00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:15,724 How did you hear about that? 7 00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:17,159 I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert 8 00:00:17,217 --> 00:00:19,697 for seven years and it finally paid off. 9 00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:22,526 Recently, I made a chair. 10 00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:26,467 When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. 11 00:00:26,659 --> 00:00:30,004 I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association, 12 00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:33,044 who felt it merited consideration for an award. 13 00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,069 (CHUCKLES) It's been a real whirlwind. 14 00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:39,146 I have to confess, I'm very honored by this nomination. 15 00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,309 Right? 16 00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:43,320 This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event. 17 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:46,448 Oh, my God, I love events! I can't wait to go tonight. 18 00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:47,651 Why are you going? 19 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:49,591 As your self-appointed emotional guardian, 20 00:00:49,649 --> 00:00:52,027 it is my duty to love and support you. 21 00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:54,322 Plus, you know, this is a big deal. You shouldn't be there alone. 22 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,991 That's correct. I'm bringing Diane. 23 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,194 Things are going very well with us. 24 00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:59,894 Even better. I am very excited to meet Diane. 25 00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:01,404 You're not taking "no" for an answer, are you? 26 00:01:01,461 --> 00:01:04,135 I forgot to sing you my merry Congratu-Christmas carol. 27 00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:06,473 (SINGING) Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you 28 00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:07,671 Get out. Yup. Hmm. 29 00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:30,698 How about the new sushi place in Eagleton? 30 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,065 I'm allergic to sushi. 31 00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,332 Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf. 32 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,472 Hey, Ann, you been to any swanky restaurants lately? 33 00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:38,133 What's the occasion? It's December. 34 00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:41,338 It's the time we celebrate our most sacred and special event... 35 00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,644 (SINGING) Jerry Dinner Jerry Dinner 36 00:01:43,703 --> 00:01:45,205 Jerry Dinner 37 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:47,615 Jerry Dinner 38 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,085 What the hell is Jerry Dinner? 39 00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:51,247 Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, 40 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,484 we put a dollar in this box. 41 00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:55,492 At the end of the year, we take all the cash 42 00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,459 and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner. 43 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,764 This year, we have... 44 00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:02,026 $516. 45 00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,566 Aw. Geez! 46 00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:07,331 And that's $517. 47 00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,531 Oh. 48 00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:11,632 $518. 49 00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:16,042 You guys, that's so mean. 50 00:02:16,102 --> 00:02:18,275 It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. 51 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:20,284 It's like talking about people behind their backs. 52 00:02:20,340 --> 00:02:21,375 Everybody wins. 53 00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:22,442 No. 54 00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:24,850 You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. 55 00:02:24,944 --> 00:02:25,945 Ha! 56 00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:27,956 That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. 57 00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:30,688 If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, 58 00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:32,457 I actually have been thinking about it. 59 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:36,727 Hey, April, Matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. 60 00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:38,996 Boom! I'm out. 61 00:02:39,425 --> 00:02:40,597 Who's Matlock? 62 00:02:41,027 --> 00:02:42,768 (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Hey, bud. Hey! 63 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:43,830 How are you? 64 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:46,377 Great. I just finished making an entry in my dream journal. 65 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:51,313 This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. 66 00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:52,782 (LAUGHS) 67 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:54,575 Progress. 68 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:56,917 So I feel like we haven't gotten a ton of time together 69 00:02:56,976 --> 00:02:58,614 since I got back from D.C. 70 00:02:58,778 --> 00:03:00,883 Well, we both are in serious relationships. 71 00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:04,451 You have Leslie and I have my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, 72 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,155 who I see 15 times a week. 73 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:09,325 Well, Leslie has plans tonight, so I'm solo. 74 00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:11,197 You wanna hang out? I'd love to. 75 00:03:11,257 --> 00:03:13,965 It'll be just like old times in Indianapolis. 76 00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:16,331 We're back. All right. 77 00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:17,602 Ohhh... 78 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,641 Lots of hugs. 79 00:03:21,134 --> 00:03:23,978 Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Awards, 80 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:26,244 or as I like to call it, heaven. 81 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:27,512 Ron. Ah. 82 00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:31,216 Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? Diane, this is Leslie Knope. 83 00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:33,917 Diane, wow. Ron has told me so much about you, 84 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:36,256 in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist. 85 00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:39,820 Yeah. He's not a big sharer. I don't even know what his middle name is. 86 00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:41,126 It's Ulysses. 87 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,400 I can see why he didn't tell me that. (LAUGHS) 88 00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:44,935 Mary, mother of God. 89 00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:46,798 (LAUGHS) 90 00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:48,696 That's Christian Becksvoort! 91 00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:50,672 He's the modern master of the Shaker style. 92 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,609 I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh. 93 00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:55,270 Go over and say hello. 94 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:57,679 No, I'm sure he gets swamped with attention all the time. 95 00:03:58,037 --> 00:03:59,948 Oh, if you ladies will excuse me, 96 00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:02,919 there is a jack plane that needs my attention. 97 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,216 DIANE: Go on then. 98 00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:08,421 So, tell me everything about yourself. Your kids, your hobbies. 99 00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:11,155 What are your five biggest hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets? 100 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:14,623 In honor of Jerry Dinner, 101 00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:18,100 let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year. 102 00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:19,568 Yes. Mine was... 103 00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,105 The time he slipped on a Cinnabon 104 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,639 and landed in a bunch of garbage. 105 00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:24,003 (ALL LAUGHING) 106 00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:27,203 My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue. 107 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:30,509 (LAUGHS) My favorite Jerry moment is when 108 00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:33,608 you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. 109 00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:36,243 (ALL LAUGHING) You're so cute when you're bullying, babe. 110 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:40,589 You know what? Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry. 111 00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:42,149 What? No! 112 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:44,491 It's Christmas time. Don't you want to be good people? 113 00:04:44,550 --> 00:04:45,551 Not really. Never. 114 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:47,757 Hey, if we're going that way, can we stop at our place real quick? 115 00:04:47,820 --> 00:04:49,322 'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant. 116 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:52,000 And a jacket and one of my socks. 117 00:04:52,058 --> 00:04:54,368 Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that. 118 00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:57,640 I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, 119 00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:59,040 which House do you think you would have been in? 120 00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:02,079 (SIGHS) Look, obviously, I want to say Gryffindor 121 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,637 but I've got to go with Hufflepuff. 122 00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:05,182 I respect your honesty. 123 00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:07,912 Gryffindor. Seeker on the Quidditch team. 124 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,477 Diane, that's my chair, right there. 125 00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:13,319 It's beautiful, Ron. Yours is the winner. 126 00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,215 I'm not sure I stand a chance. 127 00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:18,319 Hey, you most certainly do. 128 00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:21,394 They'd be crazy not to vote for you. 129 00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:22,524 Which one is Ron's? 130 00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:23,965 I don't know. 131 00:05:24,023 --> 00:05:26,560 Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? 132 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:29,800 Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer. 133 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,776 Whoa! What is going on at the Gergiches'? 134 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,639 Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! 135 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,148 I can't believe he didn't invite us. 136 00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,377 How dare he! What'd we ever do to him? 137 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,147 It's probably just family. 138 00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:43,448 (GASPS) And Ben and Chris. 139 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:46,956 And Ann. I didn't even know she knew Jerry. 140 00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:51,928 Wow! The Gergiches really go all out. This is incredible. 141 00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:55,957 Mmm. This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had. 142 00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,430 Remain calm, but I think you just drank 143 00:05:59,492 --> 00:06:01,904 some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. 144 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:05,170 Chris, one cup won't kill you. 145 00:06:05,398 --> 00:06:08,038 No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. 146 00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:11,908 But you know what? I'm fine. 147 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,450 You only live once. 148 00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:19,386 Mmm. I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them 149 00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:21,550 taste way better than things with no fat. 150 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:23,651 Yeah, Chris... Everybody knows that. 151 00:06:24,150 --> 00:06:26,687 Ron, guess why my thumbs are up. 152 00:06:26,986 --> 00:06:28,090 No. 153 00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:30,657 Because I'm giving you my 100% approval about Diane. 154 00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,028 She is perfect for you. She gets you. 155 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:37,040 She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin, neat for you. 156 00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:38,575 I mean, she's even putting up 157 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:40,770 with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff. 158 00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:44,538 I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the Super Bowl, guys. 159 00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:45,674 Let's take it down a notch. 160 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,116 Anyway, you have my approval. 161 00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:49,244 I don't need your approval. 162 00:06:49,308 --> 00:06:50,548 But you have it. Don't need it. 163 00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:51,782 But you got it. 164 00:06:52,845 --> 00:06:56,486 This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life. 165 00:06:56,549 --> 00:06:57,755 I am so, so happy for him... 166 00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:01,162 TAMMY: Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. 167 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,131 Wow, look at this room. 168 00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:06,227 So much wood, ready to be worked. 169 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,367 (BLEEP) me! 170 00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:14,242 Hey, hey, hey. Alert... Alert, alert, alert. 171 00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:16,742 She's here, isn't she? 172 00:07:16,803 --> 00:07:20,341 Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence. 173 00:07:20,406 --> 00:07:22,477 Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here. 174 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:24,613 Tammy, this is Diane. 175 00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,923 Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, 176 00:07:27,980 --> 00:07:29,516 who is also my ex-wife. 177 00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,289 Twice ex-wife. We were married twice. 178 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:34,593 And divorced twice. Everything is done. They are totally done. 179 00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:36,759 Tammy, what are you doing here? 180 00:07:36,823 --> 00:07:39,565 I just have a little something I need to get drilled. 181 00:07:40,493 --> 00:07:42,029 Can I speak with you for a moment? 182 00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:44,131 Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat. 183 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,699 Shouldn't you be at the library, 184 00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:47,244 forcing people to borrow books? 185 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,871 Leslie, you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 p.m. 186 00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:51,381 Of course it does. 187 00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:53,375 Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron. 188 00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:54,509 So you can ruin his life? 189 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,076 So I can have fun with him, 190 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:59,180 and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure. 191 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,050 LESLIE: This may be the hardest challenge yet 192 00:08:01,113 --> 00:08:02,649 for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian. 193 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,655 I need to protect a sweet couple 194 00:08:04,717 --> 00:08:06,754 from a sex-crazed demon librarian 195 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:09,163 who makes me question my stance on using the "B" word. 196 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,832 I don't know, maybe just this once. 197 00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:13,530 No, Leslie, fight it. Fight it. 198 00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:18,507 APRIL: Mmm. It looks warm in there! Warm and happy. 199 00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,976 Mmm. Look at that gingerbread man. 200 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:22,705 What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies. 201 00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:24,770 DONNA: I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. 202 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,441 Look like Blake Griffin. 203 00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:27,874 ANDY: You guys! 204 00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:30,784 There's a buffet in the house! 205 00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,883 I didn't even know you could do that! 206 00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:34,925 We need to crash this party. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 207 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:37,359 Ann, let us in. 208 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,491 Let's go. 209 00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,357 Well, well, well. 210 00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:46,960 You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that? 211 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,028 I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. 212 00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,438 It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. 213 00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:51,600 (PANTING) 214 00:08:51,664 --> 00:08:55,737 This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. 215 00:08:55,801 --> 00:08:57,280 There's no place for meanies. 216 00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,674 Forget it, I'm coming in. 217 00:08:59,739 --> 00:09:00,774 Ow! 218 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,444 Get off me. Wait. 219 00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:03,980 You're so weak, really? 220 00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:06,653 (GROANS) I mean, I'm barely even doing anything. 221 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:09,693 Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palms. Ow. 222 00:09:09,749 --> 00:09:12,628 It's because of your man strength, Man Perkins. 223 00:09:12,685 --> 00:09:13,789 TOM: Let us in, Ann. 224 00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,298 It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 225 00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:16,992 'cause they're unflattering to my hands. 226 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:19,058 Sorry, guys. This is your penance. 227 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:21,571 You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry. 228 00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:23,573 Hey, I already did something nice for Jerry. 229 00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:25,939 I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner. 230 00:09:26,365 --> 00:09:27,969 Aw, Donna. You can come in. 231 00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:29,069 (GASPS) Okay. (LAUGHS) 232 00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:30,239 What? What about us? 233 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,338 APRIL: What? Donna! 234 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:32,405 Merry critches, bitches! 235 00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:34,075 Donna, don't leave us! Donna? 236 00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,678 Oh, well, whatever. It's Jerry's party. How cool could it be? 237 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,412 ANDY: (GASPS) Santa! 238 00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:40,980 They have a Santa! Oh, my God. 239 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,082 What? Aw! 240 00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,491 Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association Awards. 241 00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:48,324 (GUESTS CHEERING) 242 00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:52,231 I'm your host, Martin Housely, and wow, it's gonna be a great show... 243 00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:53,292 Knock on wood. 244 00:09:53,659 --> 00:09:55,195 (ALL LAUGHING) 245 00:09:55,861 --> 00:09:57,101 Oh, my gosh. 246 00:09:57,163 --> 00:09:59,666 What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're sitting at the same table! 247 00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,871 Tammy, this table is reserved. 248 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,380 A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. 249 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,417 That's my boob and my butt, respectively. 250 00:10:06,472 --> 00:10:08,213 Remember that, Ron? 251 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,378 Subtle. 252 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,319 Well, you know, they asked me if I would host this event, 253 00:10:11,377 --> 00:10:13,755 and I said, "Would I?" 254 00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:15,583 (LAUGHS) 255 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,994 Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. Gayle? 256 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,231 Happy holidays, Chris. 257 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,834 It's so good to see you. 258 00:10:23,889 --> 00:10:25,061 I have someone I'd like you to meet. 259 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,468 I'm Gayle Gergich. 260 00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:30,975 Gayle... You're Gayle? 261 00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,600 Jerry's beautiful wife. 262 00:10:32,665 --> 00:10:35,043 Who looks like that. 263 00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:38,474 Gayle, I hope you're not in any way uncomfortable that I'm here, 264 00:10:38,537 --> 00:10:39,845 since I dated your daughter. 265 00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:41,509 Oh, not at all. 266 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,850 You're welcome here any time. 267 00:10:43,909 --> 00:10:47,857 Oops, there's a little hair on your shoulder. Oh. 268 00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:51,694 Well, look who's a silver fox. 269 00:10:52,218 --> 00:10:54,391 (LAUGHS) Will you look at that? 270 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:56,165 I'm sorry, you're okay? 271 00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:59,828 You don't feel like your body is in decay or death is inevitable? 272 00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:04,064 My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose. 273 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:07,577 Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose. 274 00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:12,109 Welcome, everybody, to another Gergich Christmas. 275 00:11:12,371 --> 00:11:14,578 Sadly, one of our three beautiful angels, 276 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:15,880 Millicent, couldn't be here tonight, 277 00:11:15,941 --> 00:11:18,785 but our other two beauties Miriam and Gladys 278 00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,950 are going to help Gayle and me play a little tune. 279 00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:24,254 (PIANO PLAYING) 280 00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:28,389 (SINGING) Here we go a-caroling Among the leaves so green 281 00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:32,493 Here we come a-wandering So fair to be seen 282 00:11:32,558 --> 00:11:34,731 BOTH: Love and joy come to you 283 00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,001 And to you glad Christmas, too 284 00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:41,603 And God bless you And send you a happy new year 285 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:45,706 And God send you a happy new year 286 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,908 (ALL LAUGHING) (CHEERING) 287 00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:50,114 I'm going to call a cab. 288 00:11:50,176 --> 00:11:52,782 Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? 289 00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:55,951 He's the one that didn't invite us to his Christmas party. 290 00:11:56,015 --> 00:11:57,221 Jerry Filter! 291 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,455 (GASPS) Jerry Filter! 292 00:11:58,517 --> 00:11:59,894 Who's Jerry Filter? 293 00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:02,728 Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. 294 00:12:02,788 --> 00:12:05,325 So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. 295 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,997 Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam. 296 00:12:08,294 --> 00:12:10,831 And... 297 00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:12,801 Here's our invitation. 298 00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,809 There's three years of nice messages on here. 299 00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:17,279 "Congratulations on your wedding. 300 00:12:17,336 --> 00:12:19,111 "I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry." 301 00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,310 "Hope you have the best birthday, Tom." 302 00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:23,876 I just tied my high score in Snake. 303 00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:29,720 Our next award is for "Achievement in Chairs." 304 00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:35,160 The nominees are Asa Christiana for chair, Ron Swanson for chair, 305 00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:36,359 H.W. Davenport for chair. 306 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:38,060 So exciting, Ron. 307 00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:40,297 Okay, Ron, this is your moment. 308 00:12:40,359 --> 00:12:42,032 Tune her out. She's not even here. 309 00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,698 And the winner is... 310 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,538 Ron Swanson for chair. 311 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,975 Oh, wow'. Whoa'.! 312 00:12:56,709 --> 00:13:00,919 This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about. 313 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,258 I made my first chair when I was five, 314 00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:07,354 but the quality of the wood was wanting, 315 00:13:07,419 --> 00:13:10,332 so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages 316 00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:13,393 to purchase some beautiful local walnut. 317 00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:18,499 Thank you for this... 318 00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:21,640 This all good... Night good. 319 00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:23,136 Uh. 320 00:13:24,403 --> 00:13:25,677 There it is. 321 00:13:27,339 --> 00:13:28,977 (GUESTS CLAPPING) 322 00:13:33,612 --> 00:13:35,057 Hey, you're looking at a picture of Millie. 323 00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,219 You want to take off, grab some vegan fries? 324 00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:39,058 She really was delightful. 325 00:13:39,251 --> 00:13:41,231 I truly wish her all the best. 326 00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:44,860 Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. 327 00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:46,597 I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, 328 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,899 you would have fallen apart. 329 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:49,896 It's just a picture. 330 00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:51,600 GAYLE: Millie! Hi, Mom! 331 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,004 (WOMEN LAUGHING) 332 00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:55,102 We wanted to surprise you and come home early. 333 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,339 (LAUGHS) 334 00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,211 Oh, hey, Chris. 335 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:00,878 Hi. 336 00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:03,045 Let's take a moment now to remember 337 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:05,452 those woodworkers who are no longer with us, 338 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:08,486 and the beautiful coffins they all designed themselves. 339 00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:12,186 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 340 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,857 Hey- Hey- 341 00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:15,296 Have you seen Ron? 342 00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,799 He disappeared after the speech and I can't find him anywhere. 343 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,996 Diane, the stuff with Tammy 344 00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:22,630 is so complex and weird and gross. 345 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,141 It just would probably be better if you let me handle it. 346 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,801 I'm not worried about Tammy. 347 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,812 I mean, I'm a middle school vice-principal. 348 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,109 I deal with hormonal psychopaths all the time. 349 00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:32,581 Oh, great. Good. 350 00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:33,739 What concerns me is you. 351 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,149 You who? 352 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,777 You you. You me? 353 00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:38,321 You're the one who's been at his side all night. 354 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,651 You're the one who's been protecting him, 355 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,623 you're the one who knows all the intimate details 356 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,455 of his romantic history with that monster. 357 00:14:43,515 --> 00:14:45,552 Oh, no, no, no, no. Diane, you misunderstand. 358 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,858 I'm happily engaged. 359 00:14:47,186 --> 00:14:50,133 You and Ron have an intimacy that I just don't understand, 360 00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:52,465 so if there is a threat to my relationship with Ron, 361 00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:55,903 it's not Tammy. It's you. 362 00:14:55,961 --> 00:15:00,706 Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts. It's the big one, Best Desk. 363 00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:07,012 Where's Diane? I need her. 364 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,676 She left. Of course. 365 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,845 Tammy ruins everything. 366 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,616 No, she left because of me. 367 00:15:11,677 --> 00:15:13,850 She's threatened by our relationship. 368 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,017 (LAUGHS) 369 00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:19,657 That's ridiculous. I don't think of you romantically. 370 00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:22,028 You're pro-government, you never stop talking, 371 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,328 and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare. 372 00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:26,427 Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare" 373 00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:28,836 is every other man's "total package." 374 00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:30,999 But the point is, I don't think it's about dating. 375 00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,168 I kind of see where Diane is coming from. 376 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:36,338 We are close friends, and I'm very involved in your life. 377 00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:37,776 I wouldn't say we're close. 378 00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:40,715 By Swanson standards, we're close. I know when your birthday is. 379 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,116 So does Baskin-Robbins. 380 00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:45,212 I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums. 381 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,722 Keep your voice down, woman! 382 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,583 Fine, we're friends. So what do I do? 383 00:15:50,749 --> 00:15:52,786 Tammy's waiting for me in my car. 384 00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:55,388 I think you should take my car and go get Diane, 385 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,866 and I will handle Tammy. 386 00:15:58,190 --> 00:16:00,670 Thank you. Protect your eyes, she's a gouger. 387 00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:01,932 Good to know. 388 00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,838 Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Carl. 389 00:16:04,897 --> 00:16:06,342 Well. Hi, there. 390 00:16:06,398 --> 00:16:07,968 Hi. How did you two meet? 391 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,137 Whitewater rafting. 392 00:16:09,201 --> 00:16:12,239 He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, 393 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,080 and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into. 394 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:16,551 (LAUGHS) And then we got together. 395 00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:18,485 Ah, so random, right? (LAUGHS) 396 00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:21,548 What a story! I felt like my heart was whitewater rafting. 397 00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,253 (LAUGHS) Well, I won't keep you guys. It's good to see you. 398 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,822 Oh, little tip, there is fat in the eggnog. 399 00:16:26,885 --> 00:16:27,920 Okay. (LAUGHS) 400 00:16:29,421 --> 00:16:31,492 So how'd it go? You okay? 401 00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:33,935 (SIGHS) I'm fine. 402 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,438 If therapy has taught me anything, 403 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,496 it's that I need to face my fears, 404 00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,600 even when my fears are engaged to a man 405 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,872 with the chiseled jawline of a young me. 406 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,107 Thank you, Ben. 407 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,273 Thank me? For what? 408 00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:49,045 For looking out for me tonight. You're a good friend. 409 00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:50,980 Hey... 410 00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,423 So Gayle and Jerry... 411 00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,083 I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation. 412 00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:01,622 (LAUGHS) Well, hello there, Big B... 413 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,861 Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron? 414 00:17:04,923 --> 00:17:08,097 Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone. You'll never get him back. (SIGHS) 415 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,834 Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. 416 00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:14,002 All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, 417 00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,669 and he's toast. 418 00:17:15,834 --> 00:17:17,313 Few hours, you say? 419 00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:20,981 Leslie! Stop this car! Where are we going? 420 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,348 I don't know. 421 00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:23,977 You're gonna regret this! 422 00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:27,552 Well, hello again. 423 00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:29,853 You ready to be nice to Jerry? 424 00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:33,362 Because it's so cold out here, it reminds me of my wife's lasagna. 425 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,498 I actually like that one. 426 00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:39,832 Hey,guys! I thought you weren't coming. You know, never got your RSVP. 427 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,031 Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift. Merry Christmas. 428 00:17:42,094 --> 00:17:43,539 Huh? 429 00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:44,630 Yeah, just... 430 00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:46,676 We took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, 431 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,303 since you almost farted yourself to death. 432 00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:52,838 Every time we did something mean, we put a dollar in a box. 433 00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,544 Wow, I'm the luckiest man on earth. 434 00:17:56,141 --> 00:17:58,212 Okay, well, come on in! It's a party. 435 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,126 Oh, geez. 436 00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:07,587 TAMMY: Give me the keys! 437 00:18:07,653 --> 00:18:08,654 LESLIE: No! 438 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,631 Give 'em to me! Never! 439 00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:13,103 Hey, game over, Tammy. Whoo! 440 00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:14,904 What? You... 441 00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:17,004 I'm going in! 442 00:18:17,863 --> 00:18:19,240 Whoa! 443 00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:21,141 Ha! Ow! Ah! 444 00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:22,812 (BOTH GRUNTING) 445 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,972 Oh, my God, lam so turned on right now. 446 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,778 What is wrong with you? 447 00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:28,316 Yeah, tell me you're not feeling this. 448 00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:30,011 You are so crazy! 449 00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:31,247 I got 'em! 450 00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:33,415 I got 'em. No! (GROANS) 451 00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:35,516 No! You'll never catch me! 452 00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:37,424 Come back here... Ow! 453 00:18:37,549 --> 00:18:39,722 (TAMMY LAUGHS) You are not gonna ruin this night! 454 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:40,855 TAMMY: Get away from this car! 455 00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:41,920 No! 456 00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:43,295 What are you doing? 457 00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:44,593 You' e crazy' 458 00:18:44,656 --> 00:18:46,567 Ron! Ron! 459 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,127 Ha, ha, ha. You're too late! 460 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:49,431 (YELLS) 461 00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,167 No! No, no, no, no, no, no! 462 00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:56,877 She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder 463 00:18:56,935 --> 00:18:58,778 if I was ever gonna get to that point. 464 00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:01,212 I'm worried that maybe 465 00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:03,184 there isn't room in your life for another woman. 466 00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:06,189 At this very moment, Leslie is throwing herself 467 00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:10,318 in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you. 468 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:12,489 Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, 469 00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:14,553 who is very important in my life, 470 00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:16,793 but I would sooner visit Europe 471 00:19:16,855 --> 00:19:19,358 than have something romantic happen between us. 472 00:19:19,892 --> 00:19:23,135 Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, 473 00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,675 I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. 474 00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:28,200 But not France, right? 475 00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:29,268 God, no. 476 00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,777 See? You know me pretty well already, 477 00:19:34,239 --> 00:19:36,981 but you're about to get to know me even better. 478 00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:39,756 I brought you here because I want to show you something 479 00:19:39,811 --> 00:19:41,882 that almost no one knows about... 480 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:45,359 Certainly not Tammy, and not even Leslie Knope. 481 00:19:45,417 --> 00:19:48,694 EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, and especially the ladies, 482 00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:51,894 put your hands together for the one, the only, 483 00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:54,665 my man, Mr. Duke Silvers. 484 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,635 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 485 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,145 A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. 486 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,544 EMCEE: Yeah. 487 00:20:03,602 --> 00:20:05,377 It might be cold outside, 488 00:20:05,437 --> 00:20:08,316 but it's about to get warm all up in m y jazz. (LAUGHS) 489 00:20:09,174 --> 00:20:11,211 I, of course, am Duke Silver, 490 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:14,456 and I would like to dedicate this first song 491 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:16,189 to my duchess. 492 00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:17,984 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) 493 00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:22,729 You're so lucky. 494 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,199 I'm going to kill you. 495 00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:35,678 LESLIE: I think it's time to officially retire 496 00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:38,715 as Ron's emotional guardian. That's Diane's job now, 497 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:41,444 and she seems more than up to the task. 498 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,916 I mean, I'd do anything for Ron. 499 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:47,480 Even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife. 500 00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:51,617 But I think I'm safe. She's gotta be tired by now. 501 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,785 Hi. (SCREAMS) 502 00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:57,389 Officer Skorggel. I pulled over 503 00:20:57,456 --> 00:21:00,699 a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically. 504 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,898 Ran the plates, saw it was your car. 505 00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:04,099 Figured it was stolen. 506 00:21:04,162 --> 00:21:05,937 Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, 507 00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:08,444 so I can put you into these handcuffs. 508 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,878 Yes, please, officer, get her out of those cuffs. 509 00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,643 I want this to be a fair fight. 510 00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:15,512 Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? 511 00:21:16,041 --> 00:21:17,213 (THUMPING) 512 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,346 LESLIE: (MUFFLED) Ron! 513 00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:19,445 There we go. 514 00:21:19,678 --> 00:21:21,123 Hey! 515 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:25,322 Help.